I’m just so sick, and tired, of being lonely ….
.... and then, there's me ....
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"I love you" means exactly that.
It doesn’t mean “We’re going to be rich”, or “I’ll make you more popular, or even famous”. It doesn’t mean that you will always be happy, every day, for the rest of your life. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever be sad again. It doesn’t mean you won’t cry. It doesn’t mean we won’t have different opinions, or that we will never argue.
"I love you", is the most precious thing I can give you. You might not be able to set it in some piece of jewellery, or sell it for cash. But, it’s still the most valuable thing I can ever offer you.
I just wish my “I love you” was valued by someone else ….
I can’t really tell you what it feels like. What it REALLY feels like. You have to know it yourself. You have to feel it, and experience it. For years. And decades. The loneliness. The isolation. The rejection. How meaningless it all really is. How pointless. Because you’re never really given a reason for it. They shun you just for the sake of it. They laugh at you just because everyone else does. And nobody really knows, or says, why. I can’t really explain to you what it’s like to walk in to a room full of people you don’t know, people you’ve never met before in your life, and within a few minutes, literally only a few minutes, everyone is avoiding you, averting their eyes from you, walking away from you when you try to start a conversation, and you’re left to stand against the wall, in a corner, just anywhere where you feel like you’re not an annoyance by just being there. When you stay near the door so that, when it’s time to leave, you can go as quickly as possible, because there’s no reason to stay where you’re so obviously not wanted. And that’s everywhere. Even online, you feel isolated, ignored. Anything you say just gets lost in the noise of the crowd. You’re not cute enough, not interesting enough. Not young enough anymore. And you just want to make contact, and a connection with someone. You just a chance to have normal, human relationships.
It doesn’t matter what I say though, does it? I’m just someone that you don’t know.
So many people on Tumblr say they are lonely. Yet hardly any respond when you send them a message.
Sort of like those that send you messages saying “talk to me!” or “I’ll listen”, but then you only hear back from them once. If ever.
Kinda makes it hard to make connections with anyone.
All I want is to be in a relationship w/someone and not feel lonely and sad all the time
In my head
I have never touched someone. I have never initiated physical contact with another person. Not even with my family, who are not very affectionate anyway, especially with me. Even the last hug I had, in 1996, wasn’t initiated by me. I’ve tried to start it, tried to offer, to give even a hug, but I’ve always been verbally pushed away. Made absolutely known that physical contact with me was not something they wanted, even though they might have promised that they would. So I don’t. Not that there is anyone to hug. I can’t even really remember that hug in ‘96. I know it happened, I have the visual memory of it, but I can’t remember what it felt like. It is more like something I watched, rather than experienced. I don’t know if anyone who reads this can understand what this is like. When you go out, and see people greet each other with a hug, maybe even a kiss, and you have no idea of what that feels like. I want to. I want to experience that! Oh how I want to. So much, I can’t even find the words to describe it. But there just isn’t anyone to hug. Let alone kiss. Or even hold hands with. It’s not something I have chosen to go with out, or not do …. I’ve just never found anyone who will.
I just wish … I mean, sometimes, I wish, that there was someone who … you know … wouldn’t mind if occasionally I told her that I loved her. You wouldn’t think that three words would be so scary, or so disgusting to hear, but, apparently, from me, they are. Not that I have anyone to say that to. They’re not a collection of words that I throw about, with little to no thought to their actual meaning. I believe … and granted, I guess I am rather old fashioned in this … that you should only say them when you really mean them. That those three words are some of the most valuable, the most precious things you can ever have. You can’t buy them. I don’t even think you can really earn them. Someone has to willingly give you them, because they want you to have them, from them. I’ve willingly given them, and I admit, of course, more than once. But … they didn’t really want them. Not from me. And that’s all I really want to do, I guess. Is to give them to someone who really wants them. From me.