And then, there's meASK! I don't bite! Unless you ask me to .... Submit - Send me stuff!
It’s unbearable today ….
I watch you sometimes. I sit down, on the ground, and just watch you all. Often, it seems like you’re speaking a language that I’ll never understand. Your movements and actions are ones that I can’t seem to get my body to do. And yet I want to. I can’t describe how much it hurts, to want to speak the same language as you. To you. And to be able to do those actions. Those movements. To experience them. To feel them. I look at you, at people, and wonder what it must be like to be one.
Then, sometimes, I will tap on the glass that seems to divide us. I will yell, and shout. I will hammer at it with my fist, as hard as I can. Trying to get in. Trying to start a small crack, trying to break my way in. I hammer and yell, until I cry. And then I just watch, again.
Why do I want to get in there, with you? I don’t feel like I belong in there. And I definitely feel like I’m not wanted in there. Why should I want to go where I’m not wanted? Shouldn’t I be happy, out here, where I can build my own world.
But, it’s lonely out here ….
That cold that seeps in to your body, in to your muscles, your bones, and you can’t get rid of it. When you start to shake, and shiver. When every part of you aches. A physical, and emotional, and mental pain. And it can only go away with a hug, a cuddle, and a good conversation. To be close to someone.
And you know that’s not going to happen. Because there’s nobody around. Because there’s nobody who will …
Sometimes, I just wish I had someone to hold. You know, someone to curl up and cuddle with. To feel the warmth of someone, emotionally, as well as physically. We would talk about everything, and anything, and nothing. And make each other think, and laugh, and cry. Sometimes, we would listen to each other breathe, and that would make that little part of the world we were in feel safe. We would feel OK …
… But I just hold on to an empty space. A vacant space. A space that is open, and ready. Yet unwanted.