Sometimes, when I’m doing something, like art, or reading, or maybe even just watching a movie or show on TV, I’ll get so caught up in what I’m doing, so lost in that moment, that I will turn to say something, to share a thought or to show something that I just did, and only then remember that there’s nobody here ….
…. and then I will just stare, blankly, and try not to break down.
Do you ever feel like you must be something less than human? Not even an animal. That you must be something even lower.
That’s how I feel. How this loneliness makes me feel. And all I want to do is have someone to talk, and share things with. Someone to hold hands with. Hug.
But a monster isn’t allowed these things, is it? That’s all I feel that I must be.
Anonymous asked: 18 YEARS?! That's ridiculous, I'd hug you if I saw you. Why would you not deserve it? Everyone deserves it. Love, physical contact, all of it brings people happiness. Sorry though :(
People might say they would (or even will). But nobody ever does. The words kind of become hollow and empty when they are not put in to practice ….
Why don’t they follow through? Huh, I guess maybe I just don’t deserve it after all.
I should just give the fuck up. Have had enough over the last couple of weeks. Just trying to find someone to talk with, somewhere to fit in. But it’s not going to fucking happen. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning. I just fucking don’t.
So. Another day over. Another day just wanting someone to talk with, someone to hug. Someone to smile at, who values that. But it was just another day pretty much alone. Another day knowing I don’t fit in. Don’t belong. Another day where I was taught yet another lesson in rejection. Just another day really. The same as all the others.
I’m an ugly, boring, 38 year old friendless virgin, with depression, social anxiety, and boarderline personality disorder.
So. I’m probably the most worthless and unwanted creature in existence.